I am borrowing the title of a book written by my sweetheart, Jumoke for my article today. With over 30 years of marriage, she is well qualified to write the book. The title expresses the emotions of the young married person who wakes up to the rude shock that marriage is not the ‘happily ever after’ promise of the beautiful story books of our childhood nor the promise of bliss our normal hormonal rushes suggest to us in puberty.

I remember my reply to the Holy Spirit when He asked me, ‘’If you cannot live with your mother, how will you live with your future wife?’’ ‘’We will be married in the perfect will of God. I will marry a woman who perfectly fits me.’’ I reasoned further that if I married a woman living out the fruit of the Spirit and I am doing the same, how would we ever have any conflicts? I expected that when two Christians marry, they should live happily ever after. Settling down into marriage throws up certain challenges that demand for maturity on the part of marriage partners.

Jummy and I married at 22 and 24 years of age respectively. Looking back today, I do not advise it because although we are enjoying an early grandparenting experience, it is my opinion that being more patient, temperate and persevering would have made me a far better husband than I was at the start of our marital journey. It is not always a matter of age but the longer each person lives the longer they mature relatively. I will recommend that before marriage, a couple develop conflict resolution skills, assure themselves of their ability to get along with their own family members, have the financial and emotional stability to cope with the challenges of fusing two lives into one.

Within the first year of marriage, most young people feel like screaming out the title of this article. Nothing demands selflessness like marriage. The principal key to marital success is selfless love. The ability to intentionally care for the other person sacrificially and unconditionally. This type of love is not reactionary but rather deliberate in fulfilling its marital obligations to the best of his ability. Fallen man is inherently selfish. As soon as God came calling in the garden of Eden after the first sin, Adam was instinctively adept at self protection. He played the blame game immediately, deflecting responsibility for his disobedience to the woman God gave him (Genesis 3:12). He surrendered leadership and heaped the blame on the woman rather than cover her. This instinct remains inside every man till this day. No man walks to the divorce court without a persuasion that he married the wrong woman. At every point of conflict, he believes he is right.

Of course the woman was not better as she heaped the blame on the serpent who deceived her. Rather than be ashamed that she fell for deception, she stood in self defence and blamed the devil. The result of the fall is further seen in God’s pronouncement to the woman:“Then He said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.””‭‭Genesis‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬ ‭NLT.

‬‬As soon as Jummy and I began to settle into wedlock, I was intent on asserting my leadership on her. Since I was the head and she the follower, I expected full and unreserved submission from the woman of God. I wanted to be fully recognized as the leader of the union. My understanding of my role was that of a ruler and commander who was to be obeyed by a subservient wife. My mindset had been shaped by the fall of man. I had the mentality of a ruler. Men have subjugated women over world history. It gave birth to the women liberation movements. They have been ruled over, trampled and subjugated. In Christ Jesus, they are free. There is gender equality in Christ and no gender is despised (Galatians 3:28).

Earthly human distinctions, be they sexual, racial, ethnic or economic, lose their significance and what we have is equality with order. God never intended for men to rule over their wives nor men be controlled by their wives either. The struggle for power in a marriage and all forms of competition are baseless and a gross misunderstanding of the oneness God designed for marriage.

Other differences that create tension include gender, cultural and temperamental differences. These dividing lines can either grow narrower or wider with time. It all depends on how a couple choose to manage their affairs. Learning to manage differences with acceptance, patience, negotiation, feedback and celebration will determine the outcome. We will examine these skills in more detail next week. (To be continued)