The story is told of a woman who consulted a divorced lawyer about her desire to part ways with her husband. She expressed her desire to take revenge on him for the many heartaches and disappointments she suffered from him. Her lawyer advised her to list everything he ever wanted her to do to please him. She was to do them all and suddenly serve him divorce papers in three months. By then, he would be enjoying her and be in a happy place. The sudden service of divorce papers would hurt him deeply and then she could leave him devastated. Three months later, the lawyer discovered the lady had not returned. Reaching out to her to come for the divorce papers, she replied she wouldn’t be needing them anymore as she and her husband were about to go on their second honeymoon.

I am starting with this story because the way to turn a toxic and disappointing marriage around is the difficult road of selfless love and sacrifice. It is a path where egos are buried alongside self-will, self-preservation and preferences. It is the high road of love where it can only manifest as the fruit of the Spirit. It is the walk of grace energized by the power of God with its sights set on a favourable outcome and eternal rewards.

It is the nature of a fallen man to blame the other person and to be self-absorbed. This fallen state of man is the reason the Lord Jesus Christ rebuked those who are quick to judge. Fallen human nature has a keen eye to discern the speck in his brother’s eye while oblivious to the beam in his own (Mathew 7:3-5). This description demonstrates the propensity for the human self-centred nature to cause one to have lots of blind spots, particularly in his conduct. When we come into the body of Christ, His love is poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5). This is our God-given supernatural capacity to become selfless in our relationships.

Marriage comes with several inherent differences. Temperamental and character differences, sexual differences, social, religious and cultural differences. All the differences will naturally cause tensions. How they are managed is dependent on attitude. The differences are common to all. It is naive and immature to imagine a marriage without differences. Men are logical, women are emotional. Cholerics are strong-willed, and sanguines are weak-willed. Melancholics are organized, and sanguines are disorganized. Phlegmatics are laid back, and cholerics are driven. Some people are introverted and others are extroverted. Some are homely, others outgoing. These types of differences including that of family, social and cultural backgrounds are bound to bring contrasting interests, preferences and tendencies which might aggravate one or both parties. Realizing these things are normal. Not knowing these can cause young married couples to be overwhelmed and conclude they married the wrong spouse.

To turn things around, choose to be positive about your marriage. You married the right person. With the love of God in your hearts, you can succeed together. Secondly, seek to know your spouse. Knowing the fundamental differences between you and them will help you know how to relate better with them. Peter admonishes men to live with their wives with understanding (1 Peter 3:9). An understanding of the peculiarities of our spouses, personalities, gender, language, social and cultural backgrounds will reduce our sensitivity to their actions, increase our patience towards them and help us to communicate effectively. It is important that we learn to celebrate each other’s differences and growth. Rather than resent each other’s differences, we should learn to celebrate them. Equally, as our spouses demonstrate understanding and growth, let us applaud their improvements and affirm our love for them. This encouragement will go a long way to foster unity between you.

Finally, it is pertinent that when conflicts arise, we do not allow them to escalate beyond proportion. The more we keep matters between us and our spouses, the faster we resolve. We must learn to forgive quickly. In the same vein, where there are grievous offences like various abuses or where the existence of the marriage itself is threatened, let us escalate to pastors, counsellors or mentors as quickly as possible. Most of the reasons why people divorce are not beyond redemption. Conflict resolution can also not be done without a spouse present. The two parties must be present for a holistic undertaking and resolution. Marriage is good and with the commitment of both parties in the union, it will succeed.