It really feels good to be the head of a family or organisation. Being on top and in authority has a good feeling to it, after all, who enjoys playing second fiddle? The traditional lenses of how things worked in our family when I was growing up further nurtured my aspirations of becoming head of my own home. Our dad, like others who I observed, went out daily to work hard to provide for the family while our mum stayed at home to care for the house and the children.

Other homes where that differed were homes where the woman took up a lighter role in the secular to spend more time on the home front still. Daddy was served the best part of the meal, honoured with two or more pieces of meat while we the children made do with one each as if he needed more protein (laughter). His wish was everyone’s command and he was preferred above everyone else at all times.

My first angry outburst as a husband took place less than a week after our wedding. We had just returned from our honeymoon after three days because we were running out of funds at Whispering Palms, a quiet beach resort in the bandages area of Lagos. The various sculptures of Yoruba tribal gods and deities also created some discomfort for my demon-conscious self.

We returned to the house without any meal and as my recently graduated wife suggested we eat bread and drink a beverage, she met an angry reaction from her new ‘head’. For me, it was absurd that she would make that kind of suggestion when she ought to be striving to please her new lord with sizzling cuisines from the first day.

My philosophy of leadership contrasted very sharply with that of the Lord Jesus Christ who came not to be served but to serve and give His life a ransom for many (Matthew 20:28). I was the head and I was to be served good meals.

The head of the woman is the man; the head of the man is Christ and the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3). Headship is authority, no doubt, and every husband has authority over his wife but the purpose of authority is responsibility. There is no authority without responsibility. Anyone you have authority over, you also have the responsibility to serve. The Lord Jesus Christ observing the jostle for position among his twelve disciples was amazed at their gross misunderstanding of the operation of the Kingdom of God. They wanted to lord it over one another like the lords of the Gentiles enjoyed exacting authority over and found loads of pleasure from using power over others.

As these disciples looked forward to using power to take advantage of one another, the Lord Jesus Christ, in John 13, took a basin of water and a towel and began to wash the dusty and smelly feet of his subjects. The role He assumed was left for the house slave in the days of Christ. The people trekked a lot in a time when there were no cars, no bicycles, or chariots for the poor man, except for the wealthy and influential. The house slave washed the feet of family members who walked the dusty grounds of the Middle East with bare feet or light sandals.

The Head of the wife is to behave like Christ behaved towards the church. He gave Himself for her. He sacrificed His life for the church and prioritised her needs above his own (Ephesians 5:35-17). Headship is the responsibility for the wife and the children. Headship is firstly about being an example. The body follows the direction of the head. The husband goes where he wants the wife to go, treats her like he wants to be treated, respects her like he wants her to respect him, and serves her like he wants her to serve him. Headship is showing and going the way. He trains up his children the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6). Training requires demonstrating how things are doing in a master and apprenticeship dynamic. This responsibility requires that husbands operate at higher levels of spirituality and leadership. Their wives must be able to look up to them.

True headship operates as a delegated authority representing the Lord Jesus Christ. He, therefore, aims to represent Christ in love, meekness, and excellence at all times. It is a tall order to represent Jesus Christ. It gives the husband a lifelong ambition to be more and more like Jesus every day. Since discovering this fact, I have felt more humble than ever, more inspired to serve than to be served.

Of course, it remains my forte to determine the vision and direction for the family, but the more I have endeavoured to follow Christ, the more my wife has endeavoured to follow my leadership faithfully. Gone are the days of doing nothing around the house except to enjoy being served. I am now a hands-on servant-leader who endeavours to serve his wife more than he expects to be served.

Victor Adeyemi.