‘Adam, Adam, where are you?…Have you eaten of the fruit I told you not to eat?…The woman you gave me ate and gave me to eat…’ (Genesis 3:9-12).

This is the beginning of the blame game and it has grown in amazing sophistication through the ages. What a fantastic and awesome Cristian man I thought I was before marriage. I thought I was the next most godly human only next to Jesus Christ the righteous. Every conflict was the fault of my wife and everything wrong was the wrong she brought into our marriage.

The selfishness that resulted from the fall of man is directly antithetical to the likeness of God who is love. His love is selfless, unconditional and enduring. Instead of reflecting that quality, Adam had become self-centred, critical and resentful. He lost the sense of responsibility that ought to come with his leadership of the family and saw the woman as the problem.

It was in a similar spirit that I always went to God to report my wife to God as a young husband. It, however, always amazed me that rather than join me to focus on her faults (and she had hers), God always challenged me to take responsibility to make things better. For a young husband reading this, I have a few pieces of advice about how to get a rebellious wife to become submissive.

The first is to encourage you to distinguish between disagreement and rebellion. God blessed you with a different personality with different skill sets, gifts, temperaments, approaches and perspectives. These differences create tension between both of you but if rightly managed with active listening to each other, patience and mutual respect, will lead to the two of you growing together and being individually and collectively more mature.

Certain personalities express themselves passionately and can have strong opinions without intending to be rebellious. My wife will not go in a direction that I clearly disapprove of but it does not stop her from expressing her disapproval. She is being true, honest and yet submissive. Men should learn not to feel threatened by disagreements and opposing opinions.

Submission should not be demanded nor commanded. It is voluntarily given and not forced. It is wrong for a man to demand for it because God does not ask us to do so. He commanded women to submit to their own husbands directly and not the husbands to command them. They are to fulfill their own responsibility and as unto God. Notice the woman is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). A wise husband will help to keep the wife’s gaze upon the Lord Jesus. If he encourages his wife to be devoted to the Lord in prayer and Bible study, the Lord Jesus will influence her submission because she will be able to overlook her husband and do it out of devotion to the Lord Jesus.

Demanding or commanding submission from a woman puts her attention on the man and due to her hurts and lack of confidence in his wisdom occasionally; she may not be in the mood to submit. It may not even make sense to her under certain circumstances, but when her gaze is upon her Lord who is perfect and who loves her so unconditionally and selflessly, she will submit to her husband who represents Him.

Closely following the above is for husbands to fulfill their responsibility to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her (Ephesians 5:25). Christ came down for our sake and not His own. He did all He did for the benefit of the church (Ephesians 1:23). He suffered for us, entered a new covenant with His father for us and obtained a more excellent name for us. Something about this selfless, sacrificial, and redemptive love inspires the submission of a woman.

Leadership coach and expert, John Maxwell, categorises leadership and differentiates between POSITION and PERMISSION. In the position stage and the bottom rung of a five-stage ladder, people follow you because they have to due to your position over them. In the permission stage, they follow because they want to. ‘Good leaders touch a heart before they ask for a hand’ according to him. When as a young husband I chose intimidation, anger, malice, and strife as weapons to subjugate my wife, I was not successful. The Holy Spirit made me realise I was using carnal weapons that would either lead to a forced and false submission or total rebellion and divorce. The result I wanted was only possible if I walked in the love of God towards her.

Submission is an overflow of the Spirit-filled life. It is not easy on the flesh but a result of the fruit of the Spirit. Paul admonished the Ephesians to maintain a Spirit-filled life relying on a lifestyle of praise and thanksgiving, submission to one another (Ephesians 5:18-21). His instructions of submission and love are an outflow of that Spirit-filled life. It is a supernatural life energised by the Spirit of God.

Fallen human nature cannot submit nor love as God expects. With the help of the Holy Spirit, women can submit to unloving husbands and win them over to the Lord (1 Peter 3:3). Likewise, husbands can love undeserving wives who will consequently be inspired to submit. I believe that as believers, husbands can sow seeds of submission and respect and reap such harvests in great bounty (1 Peter 3:7).

The purpose of authority and submission in anyone is order. As the trinity are equal and yet submit to one another in operations, so also should we all do to one another. The man should be given final say where there is a consistent deadlock for the sake of order. God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:39).

Victor Adeyemi