Nothing exasperates a young husband like a wife that is not submissive. The male ego makes a man look forward to a home where he is in charge; a place where his word is law, his wish is a command, and his decision is final. He expects compliance and nothing else!

‘I have to be the king of my castle,’ a friend told me long ago. A spiritual son at a reconciliatory meeting said, ‘I am either in charge or not involved at all.’ The two of them only expressed the mind of every man, the desire of all typical men, and echoed the expectations of the masculine gender. ‘My wife has no respect for me,’ ‘My wife is not submissive,’ ‘My wife treats me like her subordinate,’ and the likes have been some of the expressions of the frustrations of young husbands and yours sincerely was included in the number.

What exactly is submission? It is the willing and voluntary yielding of one’s preference for that of another. Submission, however, practically means different things to different people. It will amaze you how our ideas of it are as varied as the number of us. I have always celebrated my mother’s submission to my father. Their marriage lasted almost sixty years before he went home to be with the Lord last year. She lived to please him and to make him happy. I remember how she was initiating the idea of us changing his car while his life was ebbing away on his sick bed. He always loved to drive and she figured the prospect of driving a new car might help strengthen his will to overcome his ailing health at the age of eighty eight. The moment we tried turning her attention to the possibility of him not surviving his ill health and would rather focus on her needs, she shut down the discussion.

I noticed how during the few arguments I ever noticed in all my years of living with them that she would always keep quiet once he demanded for an end of discussion. That observation formed my view of submission and when my wife responded differently from my mum when I got married, it meant nothing but lack of submission to me. It affected my self-esteem as I felt my wife did not value me, nor did she respect me. ‘She must despise me,’ I thought over and over again. Imagine my thoughts when my mum recently told me of being physically assaulted in an angry response to a complaint as a young wife. She learnt to comply at every sound of warning during arguments. That sounded like a forced submission to me and not the biblical kind and yet, that had defined submission for my young mind before marriage.

In studying the Bible well, I have also observed that in the perfection of creation, there was equality between male and female and there is no room for the dominion of male over female or vice versa (Genesis 1.26-27). Notice that one of the consequences of the first sin and the fall of man was that the woman would desire to control the man and the man would rule over her.

‘Then God said to the woman, “I will cause your labor pains in childbirth to be intensified; with pain you will give birth to children. You will desire to dominate your husband, but he will want to dominate you.”’‭Genesis‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬ ‭TPT

‬‬The desire to dominate one another was not in the perfection of the creation of both genders. Since it was a consequence of the fall of man and the entrance of sin into human nature, it is ungodly and unrighteous. We are told that in Christ Jesus, the different genders find equality of status and favour before God (Galatians 3.28).

The reality is that we all look at the Bible from the lenses of our cultures, traditions, and family experiences. A young lady and a young man who grow up in single parent homes and are not exposed to godly husband and wife models from their extended families, family friends, or local church have no concept of submission. It is even worse when children are born in abusive environments or one in which submission is driven by fear. In both circumstances, wrong interpretations of submission are the result. At other times, resentments, anger, and aggression build up in young women towards male authority and manifests in marriage. Young husbands end up suffering for challenges they know nothing about and the young ladies themselves do not realise the impact of their family backgrounds on their attitudes.

It is also pertinent that we factor different temperaments into the mix. My mother would run every little thing by my father while I was growing up but I married a type A personality who is instinctively decisive in addition to her creative personality that is always wanting to solve problems. That personality, added to leaving home after high school at the young age of fifteen, meant she had been making decisions for herself since a very early age. My frustrations at finding new furniture, decorations, and changes in my new home stemmed from feeling threatened and insecure that she was contending for my leadership.

Of course, I have learnt over the years that it is not so at all. Young husbands must realise, if they marry wives different from their mums, that their mother’s way is not the only way. Submission can be applied differently in every marital context and every couple must understand one another and not judge by the standards of others. Young husband, are you feeling disrespected? Do you feel like you married a wife that is not submissive? Let us look at a few biblical approaches to solving the problem.

To be continued…

Victor Adeyemi