One of the most predominant desires of humans is the ability to control their spouses. Something about human nature wants to be in charge! The male ego in particular enjoys the feeling of being in control of his domain. I remember a friend telling me he does not greet anybody with traditional African courtesies as found in many tribes, my native ‘Yoruba’ inclusive. ‘I am the king of my castle’, he said.

Every heated debate left me emotionally deflated as a young husband 32 years ago. I believed that a raised voice, signalling the onset of anger must be met with a mellow soft answer from my wife. Anything apart from that was interpreted as despise, disrespect and deliberate affront. I just must feel in charge!God’s mind for marriage is best learnt from Genesis chapters one and two.

The late Dr Myles Munroe described them as the only two perfect chapters of the Bible. We see the fall of man and its consequences in chapter 3. All we see from there is God’s plan of redemption and restoration to Revelation 22. In Genesis 1.26, God made man have dominion over the fish of the sea, the fowl of the air, the cattle, and over every creeping thing that moved on the earth. There is no place for dominion over other humans.

God’s plan, therefore, was that there would be a healthy interdependence among all humans. The mutual submission was to be the order of the day among all relationships. This mutuality was to characterize husband and wife relationships who were to firstly as Christians submit to one another in the fear of the Lord (Ephesians 5.21).

The devil showed up in Genesis 3 and deceived Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. She, in turn, gave it to Adam, who also ate. God showed up and began to reel out the consequences of their rebellion against Him to them, beginning with the serpent, then the woman, and finally the man.

The serpent was cursed to lie on its belly always and to become an enemy of the woman. In what was a judgement against the earthly serpent and the spiritual one (Satan), the seed of the woman (Jesus Christ) would bruise the serpent’s head (Authority over man) while the serpent would bruise his heel (humanity). The woman’s sorrow in childbirth was multiplied, and the man was to toil before eating from the ground as the ground was cursed for his sake. We now see a dire consequence in Genesis 3:16:

“Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain, you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”‭‭Genesis‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬ ‭NLT

‬‬As a result of the fall of the woman from the grace and glory of God, she will desire to control her husband. This desire by women to have their way in marriage and subjugate their husbands is ungodly, devilish, and foreign to the perfection of the creation of the first man and woman before iniquity was found in them. The woman did not seek to control but rather to support her husband. Despite the desire to control her husband, God said he would ‘rule’ over her.

Again, most men want to dominate their wives and have their wives line up with every whim. This is also unscriptural, carnal, and devilish. There is no room in the true love of God for us to dominate one another. Rather, it is to serve one another (Galatians 5.13). Ruling over the woman came as a consequence of sin. Due to a misconception of biblical truth, women have been subjugated for centuries to servitude.

To lead is to inspire a following and not to control. God wants husbands to inspire their wives’ submission by loving them as Jesus did. This love is selfless, sacrificial, and reconciliatory (John 13.34-35). It is generous and kind. Such love moves a woman towards submission to her husband based on a firm confidence in his love for her. Such a leader of the family puts the family’s interests before that of himself (Philippians 2.3-5). It has no desire to control but to serve. Control is not the will of God. Love is!